The Age Guide: Perspectives on the Aging Journey

Aging Unfiltered: The Power of Human Connections Across Generations – with Shari Foos

• Age Guide • Season 4 • Episode 3

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Welcome to another episode in our series entitled: "Aging Unfiltered". In this episode, we talk to Shari Foos, a psychotherapist, educator, activist, writer, a former punk rock star, and the founder of The Narrative Method, a nonprofit program that promotes human connection by increasing empathy and tolerance. Join us as we speak about intergenerational connections and ageism on a deep and personal level. By fostering inclusive social environments, people of all ages can have more meaningful and rewarding social experiences. Tune in to learn about this innovative project using stories, creativity, and a sense of shared humanity to promote social connections between people of all ages. 

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The Narrative Method

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Gretchen:

Welcome to the Age Guide podcast, Perspectives on the Aging Journey. In this episode of our fourth season about aging unfiltered, we are going to be talking to Sherry Foos. Sherry is a psychotherapist, educator, activist, writer, improvisational artist, and the founder of The Narrative Method, a nonprofit program that promotes radical human connection by increasing empathy and tolerance. Listen in as we discuss how we can work together to help people of all ages to feel a sense of belonging and being free to express themselves. Welcome Sherry, thank you for being here today.

Shari:

Thank you so much for having me Gretchen, I'm really looking forward to this.

Gretchen:

Same here. I would love for you to share a bit about yourself and what sparked you to build this nonprofit that brings diverse groups of people together in a safe space.

Shari:

It's really been my life's passion, but it took my whole life to shape

Speaker 01:

it.

Shari:

So going back, I was a troubled kid because I had a kind of an emotionally violent home. And so early on, I became very introspective. I started to really read body language as a way to anticipate what might happen. And as a result of these kinds of things, I developed an inner relationship with my creativity. But there was no way to take classes or to learn this or that. So I had to make things up. And when you're a kid and you're making things up, not to mention when you're an adult and making things up, it's hard to put value on that because you think, oh, well, you know, it's just coming to me. But what comes to you easily is should not be devalued. It comes too easily at times because it's an innate gift.

Gretchen:

Interesting.

Shari:

So with this innate gift for reading people and loving people and really wanting to be connected and have fun, I was a theater major in college and decided to come to Los Angeles even before I graduated because I worked as an actor one day on a movie. And I've been here my entire adult life. And whereas I first came pursuing comedy and acting, what it grew into was so much different from that. And by the time I started volunteering, I decided to go back to school and become a marriage and family therapist. And I've been one for 25 years, I'm going to say. And so I I love working with groups. I always have. And what I have noticed since I've become a therapist and in the past 12 years since the narrative method was started is that when you are talking one-on-one to someone, very honestly and vulnerably, first of all, one-on-one relationships are essential. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a love affair, but we need intimate relationships. intense eye contact to eye contact. But what happens in a group is another kind of magic. And if you didn't have a safe childhood or maybe you had trauma being picked on at school or whatever, if you didn't have good experiences of groups, you might not have had an opportunity to experience the incredible sense of belonging And not just belonging because you're all on the same team, but belonging because you're all witnessing and appreciating each other. That is huge. So if I were to talk about something I was self-conscious about, let's say some beauty issue, every woman in this culture gets that drilled into her. You know, by the time you're in elementary school, what's wrong with you? Too fat, too skinny, too tall, not white enough, not smart enough, not cool enough, on and on. So to be able to create salons online, and we also do stuff in person, workshops, retreats, seminars, all that stuff, where you bring together diverse people who would not have met each other otherwise, and one person's being vulnerable and everyone else is thinking, oh my God, I thought it was just me. You're better. You're 50% better, at least intellectually. It takes a while to sync up new information, but it's like, wait a minute. This was my private shame. The fact that we are all nodding here is so comforting. Yes. So. One of the things that the narrative method does is it invites us to be who we really are so that we can get down to a meaningful level with ourselves and also with others. That is an order of a story I've never told before.

Gretchen:

And that's a powerful story too. I love how it all fits together with your own background and the way you were able to come up with this vision and create this narrative method. So what you're doing, you're doing sometimes in person, but it also works virtually, right? That's incredible. So tell me a little bit more about how this works so that we can kind of visualize what's really going on and what kind of impact it has on people.

Shari:

So several times a week, sometimes somewhere between three and five in general, We have a free salon. People come from all over the country. We had somebody from Dubai, and that's not in the U.S. a few days ago. And that was so cool, even with the time difference. So people come because it's free. They hear about it on Facebook or Instagram or from a friend. And they never know what to expect because, of course, everybody's suspect of something that's free anyhow. Right. It's advertised as a writing program. salon and what it is all about is in one hour you get creative writing prompts and are invited to write for a total of 14 minutes in two sections with two different prompts that take you who cares where wherever that might be that you begin to get ideas about a story or a poem or something you want to write autobiographically. And there's no criticism. There's no need for publishing mentality. You don't

Gretchen:

have to be a great writer.

Shari:

No, it's not about being a great writer. It's about being a releaser. of your fears. So putting aside all the noise that we all have in our heads, like, you know, who do you think you are to write? Or this sucks, or it's not good. It doesn't matter. It's about practicing trusting your voice, whether it's verbally in writing or in any other form of expression. The idea is that there is so much bonding because there's no judgment. So that's a little thumbnail of what we're doing. And if anyone would like to attend, go to thenarrativemethod.org and go to the events page. You can sign up for as many as you like, but each one has its own link. So you have to sign up individually. And that's it. It's such a warm and wonderful community. The idea is because we're also going into small breakouts and then later we do another breakout, which is just conversational for five minutes with one other person. So because you're having both a larger group experience and intimate experiences. So it's wonderful to hear people's responses. I think there's something about it that's refreshing because we're just not used to being treated with so much freedom.

Gretchen:

Right? Yes, this is so unusual to have a space, like you said, that is a non judgmental space.

Shari:

But it sure feels good to just be given that space. And we do know when people are connected to us, we know how to read people's body language and eyes. And that allows us to so much more easily move on from that insult because you feel heard. Okay, you get it.

Gretchen:

Yes. And you've got, you're bringing together people from various backgrounds, all kinds of diverse folks and all different ages too, right? So this is intergenerational.

Shari:

It is. It does skew more women than men. But other than that, it's completely diverse. And I just am so constantly thrilled by that. That means everything to me because we are so siloed in this internet age. And even though we know that we are siloed, it's easy to forget that there are other perspectives that are valid too. Right.

Gretchen:

And it's hard to find exposure to those things when your own little group is a certain way. And where do you go to find that diversity?

Shari:

And also, we haven't really been introduced or invited to pursue diversity. You know, it's not like somebody goes into a diverse group to, you know, understand the suffering of someone else. Or, I mean, that may be part of it. But it's such a gift. It's like going to another country. Each person has such a unique set of knowledge and experiences and feelings based on their background or not based on their background. So it makes me feel more whole to talk to a diverse group. Yeah.

Gretchen:

And that really gets at the whole, like the power of community. Right. And I know community. plays such a vital role in shaping our thoughts and our beliefs. Like you said, we can get siloed and we maybe don't even realize it or we don't know what to do about it. How do you think that engaging with others through these salons can help people maybe challenge and overcome some of the limiting thoughts and assumptions about themselves or about other people?

Shari:

Certainly, you know, what I was talking about earlier, when you... realize, and you know how you know when people are being very honest, when you realize that that person is talking about an insecurity that you totally relate to, and that On some level, you thought you had the monopoly to it, but I promise you're no more messed up than anyone else. We all are. The world is crazy, but that doesn't mean we can't cope and be functional and be loved and love. So I think the first thing is that sense of belonging to the human race and also understanding Allowing yourself to realize no matter who your idol is, you're not going to be like them. You can't. They are them. But once you appreciate that whatever you don't have, you do have your unique perspective, your voice, your set of experiences. Every person is interesting. When you read a book or see a movie about someone who has what we might think of as a small life, maybe they don't know a lot of people, they live in one small community, and you get into that character, nobody has a small life. And it's very, it's not just fascinating, but it's a real gift to people. feel someone else's experience. So I think that's an awakening for all of us and a fascination too. And then of course, I think one of the strongest takeaways is that I can allow myself to trust my impulse, especially when it comes to something creative. So many of us have never really been permitted to be creative ever. You know, either you were told it's not practical or you're not good enough or all that stuff. Nobody. We just feel that

Gretchen:

shame about our expressing our own creativity.

Shari:

Right. Who do you think you are? You know, but then nobody got the letter. Hey, dear Gretchen, welcome to the world of creativity. The world would love you to be a writer. Nobody got it. You have to fight to allow yourself. And that's what this does in so many ways. It invites you to be who you are, because if you are truly who you are, you're going to be comfortable and other people are going to feel you. And if they can feel you, they can know you. And if they can know you, they can love you. But when we present what is expected of us, They only know a part of us.

Gretchen:

overcoming ageism is valuing each other. And that experience that comes with aging, some of the knowledge that comes with aging, there just isn't a lot. There aren't a lot of places in our culture where there is room to express that and to value that. And this seems like it would be a safe place for older adults.

Shari:

Oh, it is. We have a lot. We probably have more older adults than we do any other group. Look, it's so, so sad. that we live in a culture that doesn't understand the importance of wisdom. Not to make this person's life meaningful because you're taking them seriously, but there is a thing about learning from the past so as not to make mistakes in the future. And we're seeing so many unnecessary mistakes based on people not knowing, you know, What can happen if you do this or that? Right. We are the biggest group in the country, maybe in many countries in the world. And as such, we have to empower ourselves and our own importance and whether or not we can force others who are younger to value us we still can help each other in all of these meaningful ways and let's face it once you're past whatever that age is for you when you feel like I'm an adult I am connected to myself enough to know that this is maybe my last batch of eras and I want meaning now. I want to be able to talk about what I care about. I want to be fascinated by the ideas and the books and the people and foods and the things I want to do. And to be able to do that without leaving your house, without getting dressed. I mean, you have to wear something from the top up, but nobody can. We hope, yes. You can wear sweatpants, who cares? But it's really a reminder. that genuine humanity cuts through even the internet to be able to have the eye contact that you and I are having right now. If we were in a room together, we wouldn't be this close. That's true. And I find also on our Zooms, because it is required that you keep your camera on, otherwise, you know, people share their story not knowing who they're talking to. But people are not on their phones when they're on a Zoom like this. And it's a beautiful experience to have everybody present and in an accepting state of mind. It's not that hard for an hour. It's easy to love people for an hour. It's easy to be more open-minded than you might be if it was all day. And that's something I think we love about ourselves and can really enjoy because nobody can live in a state of perfect acceptance. But having that for an hour, It's joyous.

Gretchen:

Yes. Have you seen relationships build and friendships build through this method too?

Shari:

We've had a marriage. Oh, really? Wow. And there have been friendships. We were... For some reason, there was a period of time where we had so many people in British Columbia. Two women happened to be in a breakout group from British Columbia, only to discover they lived a couple of miles from each other. And they became friends. And so that stuff is incredible. But it's also incredible to wind up having a deep and beautiful connection with someone who you don't know. And you might never see

Gretchen:

again person, right?

Shari:

It's such a reminder that what we are translates. It doesn't take a ton of time and small talk doesn't get us there any faster.

Gretchen:

That's true. That's a good point. I love what you said earlier about how each person is unique. And there's no such thing really as small lives, right? Because each person has such a unique perspective. And that really, I think, resonates with that theme of respecting the value of aging. And I wonder if you can speak to how we could use this approach to maybe rethink and reshape our attitudes towards aging. I

Shari:

think the more people who do this, it's those kinds of shifts are organic because what you experience here, you know, young, old, BIPOC, white, what, you know, middle America, big city, what you experience is organic. the human commonality it's got nothing to do with age you know how many beautifully awake people are very young even children so it's it's a healing of these values that have been pounded into us over the years through advertising and institutions and all of these things where we learn that we smell bad. I didn't even know I had certain place. Behind my knee smells bad, really? You smell bad, you're not good enough, you're too old, you're invisible. And then the older you are, the more you realize nobody who's meeting me now has any idea what I really look like. They think I look like this. This is just some shell that I wound up in. And so to be able to get past that and to be focused on the tone and the feeling and you're using your empathy to connect to someone, it's got nothing to do with age or place. It's got to do with your voice.

Gretchen:

We need more people to get involved. We need this to spread. a little bit about your personal experience with ageism. So I'm shifting gears just a little bit here. But we talked about, you know, ageism is pervasive in the media and in our culture, and everyone is going to encounter it at some point in their life. People are prejudiced against you when you're too young. They're prejudiced against you when you're not old enough. And when you're too old. Have you personally experienced ageism in your life? You've had such an interesting life. I'd love to hear more about all the different things that you've done in your life. But you've done so many cool things. Would you be willing to share an experience or two that highlights how you dealt with ageism in your own life and what you learned from that experience?

Shari:

For sure. I was walking down the street and I had decided to go gray because my friend talked me into it. So these two girls asked me for... directions and I gave them. And then when we walked away, I heard them say, she's so cute. So I got back. It's just like, I couldn't take it. What, what a painful, you know, you think you're relating to them from who you are and they're seeing an old lady.

Gretchen:

Right. Right. And cute might feel like a compliment sometimes, like they think they're being nice by acknowledging something positive in a sense of cute, but cute can be very demeaning. And we often refer to older adults as cute or somebody with gray hair as cute. And what adult wants to be cute anymore? Once you're past the age of 10, it's just not

Shari:

really a compliment. It's almost like, look how they're still breathing. They're so cute.

Gretchen:

Yeah. Pets are cute.

Shari:

Babies are cute. Yeah. What's that tick? You know, oh, stop doing. I mean, it's it's so much misinformation. It's in that awful pile of what happens to communities and to an entire society when people devalue Groups, a huge group of the population group who would be willing to help you with your endeavor. Right. It's for free. Yes. Right. So what a waste, you know, it's going to be younger people's world. Take what we have. It's right. Because you're in a different shell. You're different kinds of people are interested in you. I get that. But. That level of invisibility when people are looking around the room to see who they want to connect with, it's just not the same. So I don't know if there is an answer on an individual basis. I think we need laws, some of which we have, and I think we need awareness through media and through the sources that get through to people. Your grandma is a person, had a life, bucked some system, survived, and is not just cute.

Gretchen:

Yes, exactly. And The thing is, if we're lucky, we're all going to be old someday. So any kind of prejudice against age, they say, is a prejudice against yourself. So you're really harming yourself. So I think you're right. We need to see some culture change. We need to build awareness. And that's what we're hoping to do through this podcast, where we're shining a light on ageism. And we're talking about things like the narrative method. That's a great resource for people to engage with each other and erase some of that invisibility and really share who they are. with everyone. So I'm really excited to share the narrative method with our listeners and we will put some links in the show notes so people can find you, Sherry. And I hope that you get some more participants from this and that Age Guide can continue to work with you in the future. I think there's some opportunities for partnership with the Aging Network. So thank you for joining us today.

Shari:

Thank you for everything.

Val:

Hello and welcome to your Medicare Minutes. My name is Val Guzman and I'm the Benefit Access Specialist here at AgeGuide. Today we are answering a question about Medicare Advantage plans. In case you're enrolled in a Medicare Advantage plan and not sure if you want to keep it or if it's the best plan for you, what can you do? Actually, we get a lot of questions about Medicare Advantage plans. There are dozens of Medicare Advantage plans available, and finding the right one can be very difficult. You can change your plan during the annual Medicare open enrollment period that starts October 15th, and you can also change your plan during the Medicare Advantage open enrollment period if you're signed up for a plan as of January 1st. The Medicare Advantage open enrollment period runs from January 1st to March 31st. During both open enrollment periods, you'll have the option to switch back to Original Medicare. Comparing the plan options and making changes to your Medicare coverage can be a big decision and that's where connecting with a SHIP counselor can help give you the peace of mind knowing that you explored all your options. Visit ageguide.org to get connected with a SHIP counselor or call Age Guide at 1-800-528-2000.

Gretchen:

Thank you for listening to The Age Guide, Perspectives on the Aging Journey. Age Guide coordinates and administers many services for older adults in Northeastern Illinois. Our specially trained professionals are available to answer questions and connect you with local service providers and resources. If you are interested in these services or want to learn more, go to our website at ageguide.org or call our offices at 630-293-5990. Please follow our podcast so you can be notified in your streaming account. Thank you and we will see you next time on The Age Guide. Guide podcast.